so this morning my dad said
“hey we got some tomatos”
and i walk into the kITCHEN AND THE ENTIRE TABLE WAS COMPLETELY COVERED IN TOMATOS LIKE DAD THAT IS NOT SOME TOMATOS THAT IS A FUCKLOAD OF TOMATOS
WHRE DID YOU EVEN GET ALL OF THESE TOMATOS
JUST IN CASE YOU FUCKERS THOUGH TI WAS JOKING
the brazilian wandering spider’s venom can give you an erection lasting for hours
i farted in the apple store and everyone got mad but it wasnt my fault they don’t have Windows
Plankton taught me that it is okay to be in love with your computer
if you say my name 3 times in front of a mirror at midnight ill appear and probably pet your animals and tell you you look really pretty and then take some stuff from your fridge and leave
- girl: *sneezes*
- me: bless you, no thirst.
I shall have infinite Power!
stop fucking dividing by zero you little shit
From the moment I saw you, I knew I was gonna spend the rest of my life avoiding you.